The Worst Enemy to Creativity is Self-Doubt

I am sorry for my absence. Not only to those who read when I write (always to thankful to you) but to myself. Hemingway once said ‘There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.’ I’ve been fresh out of blood. No ideas, no substance and no confidence.  The thought of trying to articulate anything was too much, so I gave up. Nothing felt worth writing about, things became monotonous and each day dragged.  I haven’t been depressed these past few months,  more vaguely vacant; a worn out faded version of who I think I really am. Not much has changed to drag me out of this lull, apart from a beautiful trip to Barcelona and someone who was kind when they didn’t need to be. She reminded me how important it is to read words that resonate with you.

I was reading a comment that someone had posted on a blog post to a friend, who it seems can have a spiteful streak. After reading this comment aloud, which was complimentary and kind, he retorted that people only read my blog and say these things because they feel sorry for me.  These words stung me into a silence that has lasted too long. For a time I debated whether there was truth in his words. I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t mind so much if there is.  Im fairly sure it’s just his opinion, but if people do feel sympathy for me – well, that’s kind of kind isn’t it? That’s what I’m going to take from it anyway.

It’s a humbling experience to write and bleed, and agonize and then publish your darkest moments, your disordered thoughts and the private elements of your life. It leaves you wondering why you do it, why torture yourself just to tell a story that happened in  a small corner of the world, where little is worth explaining. And then, as if by magic, it is worth talking about. Simply because you tell me it is, you feel (or have felt) the same and in that moment something powerful happens. I forgot that I’ve bled, and instead there’s a page of memories that mean something to me – a jumble of words strewn together to form a full truth. Even better, they might mean something to you.

So, I’m back! I’ll write as often as I can, as honestly as I can. Thank you for being patient with me. I’m so excited to be a part of this community again – it is truly terrifying and daunting to write sometimes, but you all make it completely worth it.

Love xxxxxx